You choose your path and it leads to him
by Tc33 - Amie
Summary: Fear. Fear is your first memory. You are trapped in a place you don't know. You're alone, young girl in this big world. Young girl in this big universe.
1. Chapter 1

_How to introduce it? I did this because of one of the pictures that were revealed some days ago about the mini episodes we'll have in the season 6 dvds. I could not take it out of my mind so I tried to find an explanation. But it was hard, writing about just one picture without any contest. And that's why my fic is so weird. _

_The story is built on the duality of past and present, dream and reality, unconsciousness and consciousness, symbolized by the beginning of each part "With your eyes closed"/ "Open your eyes". I took those sentences from _Chin up_ by Copeland. You should listen to that song… It won't help you to understand me but that's a wonderful song!_

_I want to say a very very very big "thank you" to my beta reader, goblindreamer, who really did a very very very good job with my story (and will maybe be afraid of the amount of "very" that I put in that sentence…)_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing… well maybe the insanity of the story, but River is not mine… *sigh* I wish she was!_

* * *

><p>"<em>You choose your path and it leads to him."<em>

~Before him, there's nothing~

_With your eyes closed_

Fear. Fear is your first memory. You are trapped in a place you don't know. You're alone, young girl in this big world. Young girl in this big universe. You're alone, but it's like you not really are. You feel eyes looking at you, you feel hands upon your body, you hear sounds in your ears. But there's nothing you can really remember, your memories come and go like dust in the air.

Except him.

You don't know where he comes from and don't know why he is so important. He is just here, in your mind. The only thing that comforts you. The only thing you clearly see. You never met him but you can _see_ him. You know all his faces. You know the touch of his hands. You know how he smells. You know the tone of his voice. You know the light in his eyes. You know the darkness of his mind. You know the weight of age pushing against on his shoulders. You know the pain he suffers. You know the life he brings around him. You know how he feels, at every second_._

The only thing you don't know is his name. But you know one day you will. It's a feeling, running through your veins. One day you will meet him. One day he'll be yours. You're too young to understand what it means and what it implies, but you know it. It's what you've been made for.

You think of him, all the time, because it's the only thing you can hold on. The only thought which is understandable in your mind. And as you're young, and alone, and afraid, you call him for help. You call for him, and you don't know how much time it takes. Time is not something you grasp. Time is all mixed up in your mind. It's like something was playing with it, changing it, eating it, and each time you try to catch it, it simply vanishes. Your memories disappear and you can't even know why you're afraid, and why you need him. You simply do.

Finally, he comes for you. You face him. He is far from you, but you instantly recognize him. He is just the way you imagined him. He does not know who you are, he does not know who you will be, but you can feel that, in some kind of way, he recognizes you. There are no words to describe what you both feel at that moment, when your eyes meet for the first time, but you understand something begins, something bigger than anything in the universe.

You live that moment as if it was the first time in your life you live something real, something that will remain in your mind and never go. For the first time your memories are clear and you understand the world around you. For the first time you can see what's around you and it's all bright and shiny. He has turned on a light into you. You were lost and blind but he has cured you. That's the moment you remember his name and understand it.

"_The __Doctor"_

You call him for help, and he is actually about to but someone screams and shoots in your direction. You stare at her with fear and incredulity. You don't remember her but it's like you should; and you know she should not act like that. She is not an enemy. She's with him. She's a friend. She can be sweet and lovely. You can feel it. You've already met her and she was kind with you. She is someone important to you and you know she loves you. You feel it. But now you don't know who she is, and she doesn't know who you are.

You regretfully look at him for a last time and you run. You hear laughter around you and you feel the tears coming down your cheeks.

And then you forget.

x.

_Open your eyes_

You escape from the memory and try to look around you. At first, you can't see anything.

You blink.

There is a grey wall front of you. Or maybe it's the ground. You don't know. You try to remember where you are and what you are doing here. You try to remember who's with you and why you're feeling so weird. But the only thing you can remember was that old memory of him, your painful childhood and the time when you were alone and afraid. And the only thing you can see is that grey wall or grey ground moving front of your eyes.

You blink.

Step by step you realize something is wrong. Your eyes are blurred and your mind is confused. You can't remember anything but it's a feeling you are used too. What you find strange is the fact that you can't feel anything. You try to move your body but it's like you don't have it anymore. You feel like you are just a mind, a mind and two eyes wide open starring at a grey and cold moving wall or ground.

You blink.

You can't feel anything but you are not afraid, because it means that you don't feel any pain. You try to concentrate on the world around you. You look at the grey surface front of your eyes, because it's all you can actually do. You thought it was moving but you suddenly realize it is not. What you can see are flashes of lights passing between your eyes and the wall. You finally decide that it's a wall. You don't know why but it seems more logical to you.

You blink.

You pay attention to the lights and you think that they may be gun flashes. You still don't know where you are and why you are lying on the ground (you must be, lying on the ground and facing the wall) but you can guess. You must have been shot. You have been shot and you are dying. You can hear sounds around you, cries and screams, but nobody takes care of you. Maybe you're not dying. Maybe you are already dead and those words are your last thoughts before leaving the world.

You blink.

You feel all right. You know you are dying but everything is fine. You don't feel pain and you're not afraid. You have never been afraid of dying. You only wish he could be here, next to you, but you also hope he is far, far away from here, safe. You would have liked to see him a last time. A _very_ last time.

So you close your eyes and let the memories come, so you can somehow be with him at the end.

...


	2. Chapter 2

~Before him, everything is cloudy~

_With your eyes closed_

You grow old. You are not the same anymore, your body is new but you don't really remember how and why it happened. You know who you can do things like that, changing your face and becoming someone else. You know he can do it as well. That makes him closer to you.

You're not afraid anymore. You're not alone anymore. You've found your place next to her, and become her friend. You know she is someone important to you, your mother, but she's got your age and doesn't even know who you are. You don't care, you're not here to like her. You're here to be liked by her. You're here to be trusted by her. You're here to use her, to get to him, to do what you have to do.

However, sometimes you dofeel tenderness for her. You spend too much time with her to remain unfeeling. But each time you're going too far, each time you like her so much that you want to stop that everything, each time you do, something happens in you. It's like someone erases all your emotions. And each time it happens you lose some memories, and each time it happens you lose another part of your humanity.

She always talks about him, and he becomes somehow more present in your life. You already know everything about him, and she can't even realize you teach her things about him. He is in all of your conversations, all of your games. It's like he is here, with you, invisible, but present. In a way he is, he has left many traces everywhere in her house. You can see them, even though she can't, millions of time traveling glimmers on every objects he touched, every footprint he made.

She often says that, someday, you're going to marry him, and that way her best friends would be together. You don't try to argue with her, but you know it will never happen. Life is not a game, and you don't think that someday you will be able to love someone deep enough to be linked with him for the rest of your life. Even if, in a way, he is already linked to you. His fate and yours are tightly tied together. Much more than you can understand.

You don't know love, you can't remember love, love has been erased of your soul, and so was the single moment when you've met him before. But they can't erase it completely. Sometimes you dream of it, you see his light, you remember his voice. And your life is full of those contradictions, day and night, love and hatred; you are losing yourself waiting for him, focusing on him, and what you should or should not feel about him, about her, about that everything.

You are exhausted when that day finally comes when he comes back to her and you're here, you've waited for him for so long that you can't miss him.

You do what you have to do.

You kill him.

As you are doing, a part of yourself is dying too. The light he has put into you turns off and you fall into the dark. You discover hell. You discover guiltiness. But you also discover peace, and forgiveness. You are so down that the only thing you can do is jumping and you fly higher than ever.

He does not care about his own end, he can only think about you and your safety. And before he breathes for the last time he tells you the very truth of your life. He shows you who you are and what you are really made for. He explains you the feelings you don't understand. He gives you hope, he gives you strength. He trusts you. He frees you. He saves you.

His light is dying and he is giving all of it to you, it burns in you and takes the shadow out of your mind. All your memories suddenly come back to you and you understand everything. You know what's right and what's not. You see what you have missed, and what's all front of you, waiting for you to be, waiting for you to make them true.

For the first time you feel like you are at the right place, at the right moment. So you do what you really have to do, not because someone told you, not because he asked you, but because you want to, you, the true and free you. You choose your path and it leads to him.

You give him everything you have and more. You give his light back to him and you give him your own. You give him energy. You give him your whole life.

This is the day when you are born for the second time.

x.

_Open your eyes_

You come back to the world around you, the real world, and what is happening in it. Nothing has changed. You are still lying on the ground. You are still senseless. You are still dying. You are still staring at the same grey wall covered up with lights flashing on.

You are about to go back to your mind when you see something different. It's another flash, bigger and brighter than the others. It's a green light that fills up the air around you and covers everything. For one second you can't see anything and you think that you've reached the end. You must be dead and that's the light of your life leaving the world. You think it's beautiful.

When it turns off everything stands still for a moment. There are no flashes anymore, no sounds, no cries. It's all quiet and you're glad that finally it's over. You will be able to go peacefully.

You half close your eyes, but something strikes your sight, and you can't believe it. It's him, coming to you. He is surrounded by light, as you always see him, but this time the light is shining brighter than you've ever seen, reflecting on his white suit. You find it weird, because you realize he never wears white suits. You think he looks like some divine apparition, looks like an angel. You never believed in God, Heaven, or Angels, so you can't believe that what you see is true. He must be nothing but a dream.

He walks up and knees next to you. He is so close you can see fear in his eyes. You try to move, to speak to him, you try to touch him but then you remember you can't. At that moment you feel his hands on you, you feel his warmth and you know he is real, he is here, and you're not dreaming anymore. You can't hear what he is saying, but he is sending you soft thoughts, from his mind to yours, telling you everything is right and he won't leave you.

_Hold on._

_Stay with me._

_Come on, I know you can do it._

He puts his arms around you and takes you off the ground. You're in his light and you think that you don't want anything more than that: your last breath living for ever around him. And you feel right, you feel happy, you feel safe and you feel thankful. He has always given you the best life and now he is giving you the perfect end.

You feel a deep searing pain as your heart stops, and then come the void and the delightful emptiness.

You think you succeed to smile before darkness falls on you.

...


	3. Chapter 3

~During him, there is everything~

_With your eyes closed_

You see your whole life flashes before your eyes. He is everywhere and you remember every moment, every word, every feeling.

His eyes

You are in prison but he comes to you, every night, he comes to you and takes you out of your world. He is never the same, sometimes old sometimes young, sometimes he knows you more than you do and sometimes he barely knows himself. But he comes every night, he comes, he never forgets, and you wait for him.

His smile

Sometimes he comes to you and he cries and you don't understand why. But you are always there when he needs you and you comfort him, even if you are too young and he can't tell you anything. Sometimes you are the one who cries and he does not understand. But he is always there when you need and he comforts you, even if he is too young and you can't tell him anything.

His neck

You get married on a night where time stops and all starts again. The moment he kisses you brings everything to life but it's not only him it's both of you, it's your love spreading out over the whole universe and you know you will never feel the same again.

His chest

Ice-skating on the Milky Way. Dancing in the Avalon Forest. Flying in the Clouds system. Writing your names with constellations. Reaching the beginning of everything and seeing the first breath of the first living thing. Going to the end of time and watching the last star dying, his hand in yours.

His hair

When you are with him he let you go where you want, when you want, and you go to the most wonderful places of all time and space.

His nose

When the night comes and you are alone he tells you his love in all the languages he knows and writes it on your body and engraves it on your soul.

His arms

One day you realize you will never have children and there is no word to describe your pain.

His chest

The first time you jump into space is an accident. But he rescues you. He always does.

His lips

You bless the way he always kisses you, as if it is the last time.

His hands

The end is near and memories go faster to you head, there are just flashes of colors and pictures and feelings. Bow-ties. Diaries. Hats. High Heels. Suits. Joy and sadness. War and pain. Hope and despair. Trust. Hug and kiss and love. Comfort. Bitter and sweet. Time and space.

That was what your life was made of.

He was your everything.

x.

_Open your eyes_

You feel his breath coming into you, making its path through your chest and filling up your lungs. It hurts, when your heart starts beating again, and throws life in each of your cells.

You scream as you can't stand feeling every inch of your body again. Pain is everywhere and you think that sensation is going to kill you. But it's the pain of life. You're alive, because he has just saved you, and you can breathe again, feel again, move again. Pain is the price to pay but you know it will disappear.

His face is next to yours and it's the first thing you can see, his eyes and his nose front of you, you can see his relief but you don't understand anything, you don't know where you are and what happened and why you're feeling so bad. You know something was wrong and you're afraid. You remember the darkness and the emptiness and you don't want to be in it again.

You tightly hold on to him, you can't take your hands off of him and your nails are deeply stuck in his skin. He is also strongly hugging you, you can feel his arms shaking around your body and his tears running down his cheeks through your back. You bury your face in his neck and you cry too, you need to clear the fear and the pain and the grief out of your mind. You slowly realize what you've been through and you can't believe that it is true, you were dead and he brought you back to life and now you're here in his arms and you can't think about anything else.

He has snatched you from the jaws of death. He has given you life, again. He has given you a part of his light, a part of his own life, now he is in you, a part of you, deeply anchored in your veins, in your blood, in your soul. As he always was. As he always is. As he always will be.

His hand is in your hair and he kisses your head and says sweet things to you. You don't understand them, you can't stop shaking, and you can't stop holding him so strongly your fingertips are hurting you more than everything else. You must hurt him too, but he says nothing, he just comforts you and whispers restful words into your ears.

Step by step, you calm down and you soon are breathing easier. Your muscles relax and the pain vanishes. He stops speaking as you stand still in his arms and he just keeps holding you. He will let you the time you need to feel better.

You close your eyes and this time there are no memories to hurt you, there is no place you want to escape to. You are close to him and it is the only place you want to be.

THE END

_Thanks for reading ! _


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